sweetcoalminer

10:44 am: Madeline, Maddening, and Mommy-mania
I am so sad to see that Portugal is giving up on Madeline McCann.  I hope that child is alive and safe and happy and loved somewhere.  I can't even think about what her parents must be going through.  It makes me shudder.  It makes me hug Mimi a little tighter.

Mimi started doing "running man" on the little plastic slide we bought for her room.  I asked her what she was doing, and she said, "Exercise!"  I asked her, "Why do you think that's exercise?"  I mean, versus playing ball or ballet or anything else, why does she think that scissoring on the incline of her slide is exercise?  Where has she seen that?  "Because it is."  She informed me.

We dropped them off at the playroom at the Y Saturday morning so I could do yoga and Cory could work out.  Cory waits until I get out of yoga so we go in together and pick them up.  We walked in the door and Mimi shouted from across the room, "How was exercise, mommy?  How was exercise, daddy?  Did you have fun?"  They say that kids are not capable of empathetic play or empathy, I can't remember which, until they are 5 or 6, but Mimi is very tuned in to other people's feelings.  She always asks questions like, "Why did she take his toy away?  That must make him sad."  And, "Where is her mommy?  Does she know that mommies come back?"  She's very concerned about how other people feel.  It is quite amazing to watch her social skills develop.  

If you're curious, they both avoided detection during our workout but clearly had packages for us upon our arrival.

Frank is going through the must infuriating, unbelievable anxiety.  We drop him off at school - no problem.  We drop him off at the gym - no problem.  We drop him off at the nursery at church - no problem.  I set him down in the crib so I can change clothes where he can clearly see me - BIG PROBLEM.  He cannot stand to be away from me.  If he's with Cory and he sees me and I don't take him, he screams his head off.  I have lost weeks of my life these last two weeks from all the screaming and crying.  He clutches on to me while he's sleeping.  I have a necklace I wear every day, and in his sleep his little hand feels for the necklace. 

I know this is a phase, but it's just so frustrating.  I can't do anything without him in my arms unless I want to listen to heart-piercing screams.  And he just hugs me and kisses me.  It's so loving and cute except for the part where I can't get anything done, go to the bathroom, or give Mimi any attention.

His sleep has been so bad and I am so tired that I let him cry it out on Saturday night.  Cory went to visit his mom in the hospital, and I was alone with the savages doing laundry.  Mimi was playing in the courtyard with our neighbors and I had to keep an eye on Mimi and Frank was so tired.  I put him down and he screamed.  I nursed him down and he woke up when I put him down gently on his side.  I finally gave up and let him scream it out.  It was awful.  He screamed himself to sleep in the car twice this weekend.  I don't know what his deal is.  We were having lunch out on the town on Sunday after church and Mimi was exhausted in the stroller and Frank was screaming because I wouldn't pick him up and in front of everyone, Mimi yelled at him, "SHUUUT.  UP!!!!!!"

I don't *think* I've ever told anyone to shut up in front of her.  A couple times in my most frustrated moments I have told Frank to "shut it".  But my goodness.  We all have some anger issues around here.

12:18 am: Should have known
So of course, on the one day that I sent Frank to daycare in the white terry cloth pants that I *swear* looked gender neutral when I bought them nearly 2 years ago at the Gap but now I see are clearly feminine, Frankie's class painted a mural in pink tempera paint.  Pink!  On white terry cloth pants!  So now the white-not-quite-so-gender-neutral pants are white-and-pink-not-quite-so-gender-neutral pants despite some serious oxy-cleaning.  We are hemorrhaging money on clothes. 

I'm just a teeny teeny teeny bit irritated, although they did say he had a lot of fun painting.

FOR FUCK SAKE, CHANGE HIS PANTS!!!!!

10:25 am: A Rash!
At Frank's appointment on Wednesday, I pointed out to the doctor that he had a few little tiny bumps on his hamhock, and that we had changed to Whole Foods brand diapers for him because of Mimi's historic allergy to diapers with dye.

She said she didn't think it was allergy, but mild eczema.

Flash forward to this morning when his leg and back are completely and solidly covered with these little bumps and ridges. 

I think she's right and that he has eczema, but it is spreading like wildfire.

This is all at the same time I am giving Frank homemade oat/banana teethers made with whole oats I am grinding up into flour myself (please pick yourself up off the floor - I can do something in the kitchen besides clean sometimes).  He has had little bits of oat baby cereal here and there, so I thought oats were clear even though they have gluten.  He really likes those cookies and he eats a lot of them.  And he really eats them - he doesn't just spread them around on the floor like he does with sticky, fly-attracting fruit.

He's also been up pretty much all night the last two nights and has a wheezy-cough.

I am suspecting that Frank is allergic to gluten, but I just feel so crazy.  Explaining all this and getting the doctor's notes that daycare needs and dealing with an allergist that is used to seeing kids who have, like, life-threatening allergies is just such an exhausting fight.  It is crazy-making.  It could be that all these things are unrelated.

When I told our pediatrician how disheartening it was that Mimi was the only kid in her whole class to get hand/foot/mouth disease again despite the fact that Mimi had diligently shared and spread germs throughout the contaminable area, she said that wasn't the case.  She said that the other kids all probably had it and their parents didn't bring them in and they didn't stay out of school.

How is that possible?  The had a sign up about someone at school having hand/foot/mouth with the symptoms.  I suppose we wouldn't have gone to the doctor either, but for me having to have Frank checked for an ear infection (again) as the cause of his fever.  And Mimi wouldn't have been diagnosed but for her tagging along with me to the appointment and the doctor shining the light in her mouth, too.  And then the school needed notes that they were clear from the doctor so that they could go back . . .  How can other families avoid this? 

There are definitely days I feel like I make this whole parenting thing harder than it has to be, and I can't help but wonder if maybe Frank has some eczema, and I have absolutely no control whatsoever at what caused it.

I'll have to think about all this.  It would be a shame to pull oats out of his diet too.  And to have to get a doctor's note and argue with daycare about it.  Again.  I think I should just wait a couple days and see how he's doing.

09:41 am: Being Realistic
I was totally jazzed to meet with a personal trainer at the Y today.  I left Cory sitting at the breakfast table with both kids screaming as I darted out the door with only my driver's license, gym card, keys, and a dollar for parking.  It feels really free to travel light!

I got there on time for the appointment.  They guy I was supposed to meet turned out to be roughly 70 (which would be fine except for the part where I was picturing some hot 20something guy), and he had double-booked my appointment.  He started showing me how to use the chest-press machine and I started having doubts.  He was going to work someone else in, and he kept saying, "It looks like that's too light for you.  It looks like you've used this machine before."

The other appointment he had booked was to follow-through with someone, so he just wanted me to tag along.  I was so disappointed.  He got me out some kind of sheet of paper with the name of each machine for me to write down the date, the weight, etc.  I just said "fuck it" and decided to do some cardio instead of letting him ruin my workout.

I was really excited about having a workout plan to follow and asking for the most bang for my buck if I could just start out with 2 hour-workouts a week and Saturday yoga.  But the reality is any workout is a workout for me at this point, and I will just keep to elliptical/weights/stretch until I get bored with it.  It's been so long since I really worked out that I feel GREAT with my simple workout - nicely sore and happy.   I just need to follow-through and not get so disappointed when everyone is sick and I can't go.

I'm not going to worry about diet for now.  I am still working through lunch and eating gluten and dairy free except for oats, so I'm not gaining any weight.  I am trying to be ok with making miniscule progress, such as having working out be on my radar at all, instead of getting frustrated.  Frank woke up 8 times last night between 10:30 pm and 7 am, and I am exhausted.  Cory worked really late, so he was exhausted too.  I keep telling myself, "It won't always be such a struggle."

09:50 am: Any Day Now, a Year
Frank, my baby, was 9 months old yesterday.  His babyhood is rapidly coming to a close.  He is a delight except when he's crying.  The crying is mostly separation anxiety, such as when I leave the room.  He can't get away from me fast enough at daycare, though.  He loves that place.

He is 20 pounds, 15 ounces heavy, 28 and 1/4 inches tall, and in the 50th percentile for everything.  He smiles and claps and hugs and is just generally magical.  I adore him from his soft, wavy hair down to his fat-rolled, plump pork chop thighs and pink sweaty toes.

I am completely nuts about food.  I am convinced that when I eat dairy or wheat, Frank cries, gets eczema, has intestinal distress, and is just generally fussy.  I know I feel like shit when I eat those things.  Cory doesn't see it, but then Cory doesn't keep track of my indiscretions the way I do.  I confided in the doctor that I may be crazy, but I am so afraid of dairy.  I can't imagine giving Frank milk to drink.  Between Frankie's baby-hood, Mimi's life, and my experiences with dairy, I can't imagine that it is good for us.  Both kids had bloody poops from it as babies.  Mimi still gets horribly constipated, stomach aches, and cries during the night if she has it for dinner.  Day care is pressuring us to give Frank yogurt and crackers, but I told the pediatrician that one more hour of crying from someone is going to push me right over the fucking edge, so I'd rather not fuck with our equilibrium right now.  She has 4-year-old twins and a food-allergic 1-year-old, so she was cool with that.

I honestly don't think I'm crazy.  I think wheat and dairy are upsetting to Frank and make him cranky.  I think they make Mimi cranky too.  Our worst days are when she eats 3 plates full of regular pasta.  I know that I feel like shit when I eat wheat.  I just wish that the day care would fuck off about it.  I used to bring all Frank's food and snacks to school, but lately I have slacked off.  I am going to make him some oat teethers.

There is a little boy in Frank's class whose last name is Fang, and I was surprised when they called him "Fang".  6 months old seems rather young for a last name nickname?  But then yesterday, the lead teacher told me that they actually are referring to Frankie when they say "Fang" because of his upper eyetooth that has broken through and preceded his upper middle teeth.  I kind of like it.

If you ask Mimi what her full name is, she'll say, "Miriam".  If you ask her what Frankie's full name is, she says, "Franks and Beans". 

I think we need to lay off the nicknames.

Long and short, though, my boy is growing up.  I have found some kind of peace in remembering how short these baby-toddler years are, and that it won't always be this way, and so I should stop being so stressed about trying to be perfect and have a clean house and make everyone's dinner nutritionally sound and on time every night.  There are years for that, so it's ok to slip up every now and then.  It helps me to appreciate Mimi and Frankie, and also makes me lean toward a number three down the line, if we should have the opportunity.  I do not believe I would try to have a third child 2 years younger than Frank - I suspect 3 would be a better target - but that's getting ahead of myself.  I am open to seeing what would happen.  I just love them so much I can't help but wonder if there is another soul in the universe who would grace our house with laughter someday.

09:28 am: Humbled
For me right now, raising two children a hair under 2 years apart is a cycle of unbridled maternal love, uncontrolled and boundless irritation, and disbelief.

After a particularly bad morning with Mimi, mostly due to a particularly bad night with Frankie, I totally lost it with both of them because I am just so tired of listening to all the crying.

Last night after 2 hours alone with them after work trying to get dinner on the table and scrub marker out of the carpet, I flew away the second Cory got home.

Mimi and I have a particularly difficult relationship right now, and I don't know why.  I love her and appreciate her so much, but it is like having a mini teenager in the house down to the part where her hair is always in her eyes.  I guess the why comes down to a subtle but insane jealousy of Frankie that makes our lives difficult in so many ways and left Mimi sobbing this morning, begging to be a baby again.  She wants everything just like Frankie's.  I am not quite sure how to handle this or what to do about it other than what I have already done.  I am tempted to let my two-year-old just be a fucking baby but I am so concerned about somehow damaging her for life.

I wish I had more time alone with her.  I do adore her so much and I cannot believe what a fantastic, well-spoken little person she has become.  I remember being pregnant with her and wanting her more than my own life.  I am so humbled by this post. And of course while I am no Julia and my little hiccup to have Mimi was nothing like her struggles, it makes me ashamed of the way I acted this morning toward the people I hold dearest in the whole world.

And, I cannot wait to read Julia's blog when her twins are two.  But for now, I am humbled.

10:31 pm: The Duke and Duchess of YMCA
On Saturday while Cory was working out and I was taking yoga at the Y, Cory was "poo paged" twice - once for each kid.  And then, by the time I got out of yoga, they both had pooped again.  It was the same thing when I took yoga 2 weeks ago.  I don't know what it is about the Y.  We'll know where to go if they ever get constipated.

10:06 am: Mimi in the Morning
This morning as I was taking my daily . . . 2 minutes in the bathroom as privately as possible, Mimi threw the door open and asked, "Please Mommy, can I read this book?"  She was clutching the dog-eared copy of "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" she had dug out of my purse.

When Mimi wets herself and her environment despite my constant questioning regarding the potty, she will ask me, "Mommy, are you mad?" and I say no, and she'll ask, "Are you angry at me?" and I'll lie and say no, and then she'll ask, "Are you so 'sappointed?" and I will say that I am disappointed she didn't sit on the potty when she felt like she had to pee pee. 

At the table at breakfast, Cory moved the icy-cold plate he was defrosting mango on and it left a wet spot on the table.  Mimi saw the wet spot on the table and tsk'ed him and said, "Daddy, that's wet.  I'm so dispointed!"

Finally, as I was putting her (growing-out) hair in pigtails this morning, she said to me thoughtfully, "Mommy, please, I don't want the doctors to help me anymore, ok?"

04:10 pm: Mimi on Drugs
Mimi got her tubes today, and after talking to all my friends (including you folks here on the L-to-the-J) about what a cakewalk tubes are, I didn't even really get apprehensive about it. 

I have learned one thing on this HMO: no one listens to me.  I have learned a second thing, related thereto: no one answers my questions.

So, despite my conversations with the ENT and the pediatrician(s), I was still kind of unclear on what was going to happen to Mimi today so I couldn't really prepare her for it, other than to tell her we were going to go see the nice ENT who was going to get the monkeys out of her ears.

I did not prepare her for 1) going to the scary place, 2) having to get undressed there, 3) all of the fake-nice nurses, residents, etc. lavishing saccharin attention on her and making her panic, 4) Cory and I being so lenient with her that clearly something was up, 5) riding on the hospital bed, 6) Cory holding her down while they gassed her down and I looked on in horror trying to sing some "Mimi" songs, 7) them not coming to get us fast enough to be there when she woke up, or 8) her being in intense and acute pain when she woke up.

I chalk today up as pretty bad.  These tubes better be the motherfucking shit.

The sheet they gave us said, "You will be there when your child goes under the anesthesia, and you will be there when your child wakes up.  Most children wake up crying from the anesthesia."  The resident had explained to us, "the anesthesia makes them feel sad."

The sheet also said, "Some children may experience mild discomfort after surgery.  Your child may have Tylenol for pain management."

Mimi being who she is, I expected her to rebound quickly.  I mean, I can't tell you how many times the pediatricians have cringed looking into her ears, asking, "Couldn't you tell her ears were hurting her?"  And then deciding Mimi has a high threshold for pain.

Mimi's surgery was supposed to take 10 minutes, but it was about half an hour until someone came to get us.  By the time we got to the recovery room, there was a nurse trying to hold Mimi as Mimi flailed wildly.  We heard her screaming from way down the hallway, as I'm sure did the other 100 people in recovery.   She kept hitting and kicking and screaming.  SCREAMING.  Cory and I tried to hold her tight, but there was one point when the poor, naked kid (she wouldn't wear the gown so she just had on a diaper) flew out of my arms and was headed head-first for the floor (I caught her).  She didn't even seem to recognize us.  I was so stunned and dismayed that I got out my phone and started taking video of her recovery - it is shocking to me, even now.  Cory and I couldn't even hold her.  She's only 27 pounds!!!

I kept offering her juice, and she kept slapping it out of my hands.

Finally, she said, "Momma!!" and I held her, but she was still just crazy.  I can't describe it. 

And then she started yelling, "MY EARS!  MY EARS!  MY EARS ARE HURTING! HURTING!  HURTING!  HURT!  HURT!"

She started hitting herself in the ears and head and scratching wildly at her ears.  She kept trying to dig her shoulder into her ears. 

I flew out of the recovery room to the nurses station again and again, being all Mama Bear and yelling and screaming at people to get a fucking doctor and get the kid some pain medication.

The stupid fucking nurse kept saying, "this is normal.  This is typical.  This is just the anesthesia wearing off."  But I could see in her eyes she was panicking too.  I told both her and the anesthesiologist that I believe Mimi that her ears are hurting her, and that she is a tough little girl when it comes to pain so HELP HER.  She must have really just been hurting something awful.

I don't know.  Maybe my friends were spared all of this and went to see their kids after their kids had recovered from anesthesia?  But it was about an hour to get Mimi calmed down. 

During some of my Mama Bear moments of yelling I'm not so proud of, someone came in with a syringe of medicine for Mimi.  They were putting it in her mouth and I asked, "what are you giving her?"  I mean, seriously?  Why not ask/tell the parents first?  It was oxocodone.

I'm not sure what that is.  Codeine?  Vicodin?  But it made Mimi feel really good.

She started hugging and kissing on me, and slurring, "Mommy, I love you sooooooooooo much.  I glad you dad.  I love you mommy."  She was laughing and silly and so affectionate.  My two-year-old was totally wasted.

Anyway, after pizza and doughnuts and lots of love, she's sleeping now.  Was this your experience, parents?

Frankie is so not getting tubes.  That was absolutely brutal.  And shocking.  I feel betrayed.  I'm not sure if it's because I'm a lawyer and I take everything so literally.  Words matter to me.  When they say "crying", I think, you know, crying.  Not psychotic.  And when they say "mild discomfort", I think something Mimi would say in a rational way would be "my ears hurt", not trying to claw and beat her ears off of her head.

But as for Mimi on drugs, I liked it.  She couldn't stop hugging me.  Thank goodness.

09:54 pm: The Things You Can't Forget but Will
7/6/08, Men's Restroom, Whole Foods:

Mimi peed a little while they were grocery shopping in her "underwears" and told Cory she had to go potty.

Mimi and Cory walk into the echo-ey, small bathroom, but there's someone in the only stall who is clearly within earshot.

Cory:  We can't go in yet.

Mimi:  Why?

Cory:  Someone's in there.

Mimi:  Why?

Cory:  Let's go over there.

Mimi:  Is that a man in there?

Cory:  Yes, it's his turn.

Mimi:  What's he doing in there?

(Fumbling/rushing noises from the bathroom)

Cory:  He's using it.  We have to wait right here.  Don't touch anything.

Mimi:  What's that guy doing?

(Guy comes out)

Cory (to guy):  Sorry about that.

Cory and Mimi go into the stall while the guy (employee) goes to wash his hands.

Mimi:  It's too stinky in here, Daddy.  I don't like it.  Why is it so smelly?

As they were checking out, that guy bagged their groceries.

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7/9/08, Our dinner table

As Cory and I are eating dinner and talking about our workdays, Mimi screams in a high-pitched voice, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Me:  Mimi!  Too loud.  And what do you say when you need to say something and grownups are talking to each other?

(Cory and I resume our discussion.)

Mimi (to me):  Excuse me.  Excuse me, guys?

Me:  Yes?

Mimi (hushed):  Um, Mommy?  Can I please scream now?

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Mimi has finished her dinner and asks to get down.  She comes back saying it's too dark in her room.

Mimi:  Daddy, can you turn my light on please.  Wait.  I can do it myself!  I can use my magic wand to turn on the light!

(Mimi has a princess-y wand that she uses to reach our (flat to the wall) light switch.)

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10:58 pm: Deteriorating
I got a horrible case of Hand Foot & Mouth Disease.  After my fever broke on Saturday morning, I continued to feel miserable.  I started feeling better Sunday.   I got up this morning with chills and aches and fever again.  Ballsack!

I had to suck it up and go to work though, which was actually nice, because when I don't work, no one pays me!  I left work early to go to the doctor's office re my concern of the comeback fever and not wanting to miss any more work for illness.  I could tell that I was talking to
someone who couldn't care less so I just asked for a throat swab and left.  I am so done with that doctor's office.  Wouldn't you be worried if you had a horrible viral 24 hours, started to get better, and then got sick again with the same symptoms?  She said I didn't have a fever, but of course by the time I got home, I did.  They did the ear thermometer thing, and took my temp through my hair.  Because I WANT to waste my time at doctor's offices.  At least I got the swab done and am that much closer to getting my tonsils out. 

The one thing the doctor perked up about was how much she liked the doctor I went to see about getting my tonsils out 2 years ago versus the one I saw last week.  I may go back there for my face x-ray re the sinus stuff, but he will not obliterate my tonsils.  I think I will have someone else do that, insurance or no.

I came home from work and Cory graciously picked up the kids today.  I crashed.  I slept from 5-8 tonight.  I know it sucks for  him, but I really needed the rest.

When I woke up, Mimi was watching the Simpsons.  I think that a 2-year-old watching the Simpsons is an indication of deterioration of American society.  But she loves it!  I wouldn't let her watch but when I am sick, it seems like everything goes to hell.  Not because Cory's incapable, but because he has 2 hands and can't do everything. 

Cory said they were both happy to get back to school today.  According to her teachers, Mimi went around telling everyone who would listen how she pooped on the potty!  And it didn't hurt!

I am so torn about what is best for our family.  I would like a career, but most days I feel like I'm not helping anyone considering how completely unreliable I am in the workforce with these kids in daycare.  I feel like I am not doing myself any favors, and am burning potential references by being out all the time.  Wednesday is Frank's ENT consult (which I requested to skip and was denied) and Thursday is allegedly, possible, tubes day for Mimi so of course I will not be going to work.

As we approach the new academic year and considering their tuition will probably go up $150 each, I am thinking it is time to explore new options.  Even though Mimi is not enrolled in preschool.  It breaks my heart because they are so happy with their little friends.  But at that point I will be officially breaking even after taxes with my spotty, 5-hour workday.  It might be a better alternative for us to try to find a babysitter for 5 hours a day.  Or a lesser daycare that has a daily rate.  I don't know.  I just don't know what to do.

I am going to look into what I can do to improve our immune systems.  All the tinctures we got from Dr. Naturopath were crap?  We still got sick all the time.  So I think we need a lifestyle change.  And Mimi has got to get her hands out of her mouth.  I don't know how to do that either.

My girl has decided to regress.  She is crawling around the house.  She calls Cory "Dada".  Anything that Cory and I do to or for Frankie, she wants too.  Lately, Frankie likes to stand up and hold onto my hands and look around.  Mimi clamors, "Me too!  Me too!" and she will stand there, holding my hands, for as long as I'll let her, and then she falls onto her bottom with a big thump, just like her brother.

She is a big space invader right now.  A big, snotty space invader.  Always hanging on, hanging off of, laying on, smashing, gripping, patting, squeezing and generally getting in my face.  I will say again, my Mimi just needs more than I can give her.  She just needs more of everything.

For the most part, I enjoyed being home with them and getting to know them again.  Seeing Frankie really take off; seeing Mimi enjoying her potty success.  Seeing them really enjoy the activities I put together.  I wish I had more to give.  I will try to work on that.

01:53 pm: Gone Viral
First of all, my baby is crawling!  He is just such a delight, sick or no (yes, that's right.  sick again).  He's so happy and snuggly and sweet!  He's really enjoying having a little more mobility, and he's crazy about BALLS!  not just his own, but also all other kinds.  He's so delighted with them that you would have thought I invented spheres just for him.  I kind of remember how surprised we would be to see Mimi coming around corners.  I can hardly wait for that with Frank.  I think this age is the sweetest - 8-10 months.  Amazing.

Poor Mimi's throat and tongue are coated with red spots.  Mine are coated with white.  She had a fever for about 12 hours.  She's just so grouchy and clingy that I know she's hurting.  Last night, when I could muster the strength to will my aching, fevered body out of bed for just a taste of the living room air conditioning, I saw Mimi trying to play with her usual reckless abandon, and having to stop to hold her head.  I can only surmise her headache was as wretched as mine.  I was literally writhing in pain for hours - mostly my hips, legs, and back - that ibuprofen couldn't touch.  Fever of 103+ regardless of medicine.  Mimi's fever was about 101.5, but I was so worried about her since I felt so bad.  I remember the horrible Hand Foot Mouth disease that went around China a month ago that killed kids and I'm kind of freaked out.  We are pretty sick, and Mimi and Frankie just always fucking have their hands in their mouths.

What to do about this?  I would love to break her of this habit.  Now that her last 2-year molars have finally broken the skin, I would like to put a moratorium on walking around with her hands in her mouth and then touching everything with wet hands.  It drives me nuts!  We work so hard to keep them apart and then in a fit of graciousness, she will hand him a ball that rolls away from him with her wet hands and he puts as much of the slippery ball in his mouth as he can (I am so going to get weird google hits from that sentence).

Mimi's tubes are scheduled for Thursday, but I believe they will be rescheduled because her throat and tonsils are a disaster.  Frank has an appt with the same ENT on Wednesday and I'm going to ask about just taking Mimi's tonsils out.  I think about how I had strep constantly as a kid and Mimi has giant tonsils like mine, as well as an immune deficiency.  Why make her suffer? 

I am bummed that we didn't really do anything fun for the 4th.  We did go to a parade in the morning, but we were so sick that it was pretty miserable.  I am surprised Mimi's throat still looks as bad as it does considering she was diagnosed with pretty bad throat Monday.  I feel terrible for going to the crowded park after the parade with her aforementioned eternally wet hands.  I'm sure she's going to infect all of Santa Monica.

I am torn.  I really want to not miss more work after being out two days 2 weeks ago and all last week, but I want to go to the doctor and get my fucked-up tonsils documented again.  The problem is that they always go to shit on the weekend, so when they culture them on Monday, they get nothing. 

Anyway, Cory is starting to think this alone is a reason for foregoing a third child - the constant sickness.  I would like to see how we do once I get tonsils out and maybe the deviated septum corrected and the kids get tubes.  I can't wait until we get a cold, and it is just a cold.

I foresee that the woman I've been working for is disgusted enough with me that she will ask me to turn in my parking card.  Which is ok - we need the money, but this is just how it is right now - more doctor appointments than I can count!  I can't wait to start getting us all surgically fixed!

01:15 pm: The Jekyll/Hyde Family Complex
After a really rough night for all of us, I woke up to fussy, mean little monsters.  I definitely have a sinus infection again, and it is causing a headache I can't shake, which makes me probably the fussiest of all of us.

Cory was bringing me ibuprofen, and Mimi asked, "Are you sick, Mommy?"

I told her yes, that I don't feel good because of germs.

She said, "Don't worry Mommy.  I'll take care of you.  Are you my girl?"  And then she said, "It's your birthday, pretend.  Here's your present!  Happy Birthday!" and presented me with her treasured blanket in which she had wrapped some toy pieces.

She was forthcoming with a ridiculous amount of affection and, as she left for her playdate today, she looked like an angel in her fancy dress with her hair pulled back, a toddler smile on her face.

Frank woke up moments after Mimi left, wanting nothing more than to cuddle and be sweet for an hour.  He just lunges for me and holds me tightly, looking into my eyes and smiling.  Today I would consider trying for a third (someday).

As I told Cory, the biggest drawback I can see TODAY is just the number of years I will spend wiping noses.  Yuck.  But today, I love my job.  I just wish my headache would go away.

01:18 pm: Shifting My Paradigm
Today is better.  Yesterday was unbelievably awful, including an absolute meltdown like never before witnessed at Costco where mommy was trying to buy a chocolate cake.  :) 

Neither kid took any naps except for Frank's two 15 minute catnaps in the car.  Today Frankie has already taken a 2 hour nap, he's down for another nap, and Mimi is asleep too.  Deep breath!

I was glad that Cory got a giant dose of 2-chode asshole last night when both of them were just pitching ridiculous fits.  I have a hard time believing that they really feel that badly from the virus; neither one seems to have slowed down at all.  Frank, in fact, has progressed considerably as far as crawling and pulling up on things, and Mimi has hit more often than missed with the potty today.  They are like ping-pongs here.

Don't judge me, but I am reading "7 Habits of Highly Effective People".  I have just started reading it - basically 1 page a day - and I think that I need something to inspire me to get my head around my own life.  So far I kind of like it.  I get it.  I especially get the "Paradigm Shift" part about looking at things from a different perspective.  From Mimi's perspective, the only way she can get my full attention is to be a total shithead.  For example, today, she was in time out for hitting Frank and talking to us.   I turned my back to her and she started spitting so that I couldn't ignore her.  This is after a morning of fun, interactive, attentive play starting around 6 am.  I guess it's just never enough? 

My shift is looking at it as guiding her to become herself at her own speed rather than pushing her to keep with a schedule and do what I want when I want and be rewarded with some attention at the end of the day if I get it all done. 

Mimi fell asleep after her academy-award-winning meltdown at Costco on the way home.  She could not be roused to enjoy In-n-Out for dinner, so poor Cory and I had to have our dinners alone in front of Hell's Kitchen followed by giant chunks of chocolate sheet cake.  Tragic, right?

I tried to get her to eat something again before we went to bed but she was too tired from skipping her nap and being an asshole all day.  She woke up at at 2 am and I asked Cory to get her some Cheerios, but in his stupor he just went to her room and collapsed in there asleep on her bed.  At 6 am, she saw her sliced up hamburger, fries, and ketchup from 9 hours prior on the edge of the kitchen sink, and said with determination, "I want THAT for breakfast."

I let her eat the hours-old burger as I was cleaning up the kitchen, etc.  She motioned me over and said, "Look at this mom.  See this brown thing?  (pickle from the spread)  I don't like these brown things.  I had to spit it out because of brown things.  I don't want these.  Here.  Take them off."

I was kind of dumbfounded by the way she patiently explained to me why she spit out a mouthful of burger without my even asking.  She really is amazing when I take the time to listen to her and delight in her.  What she is not good at doing is what I want.  I keep thinking that if I diligently involve Mimi in my tasks, like finding matching socks, cracking eggs, putting silverware away, etc., she will just docilely comply.  But you know, she's not that kid. 

Something that has been magical for us is my big box of old stationery.  I bought her some special (washable) markers and I let her go through all my old invitations, moving notices, thank-you notes, etc. and draw on them.  Then we address them to grandmas or whoever and we will take them to the post office tomorrow.  It's a big hit and all the different papers and cards keep her pretty busy.  There are also fun things in there like glitter powder (not glitter, but glittery powder on a puff I used to wear in my single days).

Frankie is really tired today.  He is so attached to me.  Whenever he sees me, he lunges for me.  Also, whenever he sees chicken, he lunges for that too.  He really likes to eat chicken.  But just  now he woke up from his nap sitting up and crying.  He nursed a little but it was clear he was still really tired.  He and I laid on the bed for a while just watching the ceiling fan and the blinds flickering in the wind until he drifted off back to sleep. 

I am trying to just consistently love and enjoy these two.  The bottom line is that they need to be busy.  I need to keep them busy and stop sweating the dishes and emails and the phone and give them things to do.  So far we've played in the courtyard, played play-doh, read books, played ball, and blown bubbles.  It's hard to remember sometimes that Mimi is not an enemy savage.  She can be absolutely awful.  She feels like she constantly needs attention, and it takes an unbelievable amount of effort to keep them moving.  And consistent.  It is so hard for me to have the same schedule day in and day out when I'm not at work.  I just need to keep trying?

02:33 pm: I am not your mother's mother
I cannot take the crying.  I can't stand it.  I CAN'T STAND IT.   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am clawing at the walls.  I have already left a message for the pediatrician re when the kids can go back to school.  What does this say about me?  What does it say about them?

I so admire the people who do this.  They have to be so selfless.  In my experience, it is ok when everyone cooperates and I can, say, pee every once in a while in the bathroom.

But the crying.  Christ, the constant soundtrack of someone crying.  And all the screaming and hitting and spitting and I just want to run far, far away.  When they get sick, I have come to realize, it is just completely emotionally overwhelming for me.  I am worried about them.  I am annoyed with Mimi for her constant hand-in-mouth behavior.  I am doubting my child care choices.  I am sick myself.  I am worried about being a good enough parent.  When they get sick, I get really, really depressed.  It is like someone pushes a button.

I used to blame our old apartment for the tremendous difficulty of dealing with a baby/toddler.  Let me tell you, we could live in a motherfucking palace and this would still be a cross to bear.   It is so nice to swoop in and rescue them from their wonderful daycare at the end of the day.  And as much work as it is to get them ready and out the door and to school in the morning, I know they are being loved and cared for and taught.  I cannot quite say as much for their day at home.  I am always amazed at the techniques Mimi employs to deal with her frustration.  She'll say, "Mom, I don't like it when you comb my hair that way.  It hurts my eyes."  She is a great communicator.  But we are struggling with the fucking potty training and she is hitting, spitting and kicking.

I talked to the pediatrician about it yesterday and I told her how Mimi knows when she is peeing and pooping and has for some time.  She wants to be a baby.  That is all.  As much glory as we try to impart to being a big girl, Mimi wants to be a baby.  I would just give up, but I am done with the changing two diapers and the expense.  Frankie really needs a size 5 diaper and I will be damned if Mimi is going to be in a size 5.  She has known for a year how to make a peepee in the potty.  It is pure stubbornness that keeps her from doing it.  She's supposed to be napping right now, and I know from experience that she is in her room naked playing because she'll pee in her diaper and then take it off.

I suspect that Frank's crying really has something to do with my diet again.  I worked a limited amount of ambient dairy into my diet and have started eating a little gluten here and there - certainly not fastidiously cutting it out like I did from January through most of June.  I think it hurts his tummy and that's why he's just so cross all the time.  I. cannot. listen. to. his. crying. anymore.  He just cried himself to sleep in the crib.  I could tell he was grateful to lie down in the crib, but he's just so fussy.  I don't think it's the hand-foot-mouth that's bothering him, but I may be wrong.

And Mimi is so defiant.  I have stopped giving her attention for beating on Frankie.  Giving Frankie attention satisfies her too, so I have to just pick him up and go somewhere else with him.  And she seeks attention by asking, "Why are you leaving mama?  Why is Frank crying?"  She wants some kind of recognition for making him cry.  Timeouts don't work.  The only thing that works is when I recognize what is about to happen and can divert her somehow, and after a full day, I am just tired of that.  It is exhausting.  While she is sick with this virus that is spread by spit and poop, I have been spanking her on top of her diaper for spitting.  It is just so horrific to be spit at and discipline her while I can't see for the spit covering my glasses.  And it is a hundred times more horrific to see her spit at other people.  That's what she does when I get down to her level and make her look me in the face to tell her that kicking, hitting, etc. is not ok.  I've read the supernanny book, and it is worthless.

I had to go to the doctor this morning - I need to get my tonsils out.  Every time I get sick, they fuck me up.  Because Mimi and Frank are sick, I took them with me.  I can't keep asking Cory to bail me out.  I quit my full-time job so that I could be this person, and at the end of the day, I am not strong enough.  He offered to stay home with them, but I refuse to miss work and reschedule or make him miss work.

It was so awful I can't tell you.  The doctor was like autistic or something, and he kept freaking out about Mimi and Frank making noise and saying that he was too stressed to examine me, etc.  I had called them yesterday to say that I would have a baby and a toddler with me that were sick to see if we could go right into an exam room.  No one mentioned the gazillion page questionnaire or anything.  Or that I needed to bring my referral, etc.

You know how it is - by the time I got all of us out the door and in the car, I had already spent every ounce of my patience and energy.  By the time we struggled with traffic and found a parking space and waited for elevators, etc., they were both screaming.  I had a bag full of tricks, but we had a long wait.  I totally lost it with the girl at the front when she handed me the questionnaire.  I had to make this appointment over a month ago - couldn't they have fucking mailed the questionnaire?  Or emailed it?  I asked her and she said, "Did you ask me to mail it to you?" and I said, "No, but I didn't ask you to hand it to me here either."  I was so frustrated I turned around and left.  I forced myself to turn around and go back though, because I knew the next time I had a sore throat I would regret it.

Anyway, so long story short the doctor just freaked out.  I have to say I think Mimi was exceptionally good at his office, all things considered.  Frank is very fussy.  I understand where he's coming from, though.  If a client came to meet me with two kids in tow, I would immediately dismiss him or her.  If it isn't important enough to them to find a sitter, why should it be important to me?  But I expected the doctor to take one look at my awesome tonsils and schedule me for surgery.  Which is, after his beleaguered and condescending questioning, what ultimately happened.  He said I had a deviated septum too.  But if it hasn't bothered me this far in life, I don't think it's worth correcting. 

I may or may not have surgery with this asshole.  In my experience, if I don't like the doctor, it does not end well.  I may wait for next year to get a PPO and have elective surgery.

Back to this whole mothering thing, though, it is so hard.  It is so hard.  I am learning things all the time, like whispering and talking in a high-pitched voice and singing, etc.  But it is so hard.  There are days like today when I don't even think I can do it at all.

09:30 pm: My Day

I was intervening, btw. I just don't know what to do about these two.

To quote a stunning musical work of the mid-1990s a la Offspring,

YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED.

12:17 pm: No Truer Words
Self-fulfilling prophecy?

"This is about the time we all get sick and everything goes to hell for a month. But hey, it's something."

Mimi and Frankie both have Coxsakie virus. Again. They had it in April.

My mouth is also really tender, and I'm thinking it's Coxsakie 3, Coalminers 1.

The lawyer I work for was totally bummed.

"A whole week?" She asked me.

"Believe me, no one is sadder about that than me."

12:21 pm: Like Glue
Frankie has the single strongest case of separation anxiety I have ever heard of, and our whole house has come down with a bad case of severe boredom.

Mimi and Frankie are so used to having lots of toy choices at school swapped out twice a day that neither of them could give a flying shit about the toys here.  I do swap out the big toys weekly or bi-weekly, but it's just not possible to always have new projects and stimuli.  Is it?

I'm feeling a bit more human, having had a nice day with Cory on Monday, a productive day at home on Tuesday, and Parent's Night Out last night.  Instead of spending parent's night out indulging in adult play, we went out for a nice dinner and then set out to get organized.  I invested in a Franklin Covey planner like I used to have when my professional life was intense.  Cory invested in a Palm.  We are on the verge of getting this for Mimi's room:

http://www.amazon.com/Step2-Star-Sports-Climber-Play/dp/B0015GMFNS

now that we have excised the crib and have more space.  While I don't think it will keep Mimi occupied for hours on end, it is something physical to do besides climb the walls, the crib, the playpen, and the refrigerator.  I think it is quite a brilliant idea.  I wish we could put it out on our tiny balcony and shut them out there with a, "go play in the yard, kids!", but alas, it is probably not safe.

Frankie had a fever this morning, and I am really freaked out about his 6-week plus ear infection.  We have a follow-up visit with the pediatrician on Monday to see if it is clearing yet after 2 courses of omnicef, 2 courses of suprax, and 2 shots of rocephrin.  His left ear is just bright red until he gets motrin, when it calms down.  Fortunately, hand-foot-and-mouth disease is going around their school again (did you know there are 26 different strains of this virus?), so it could just be that.

I have had it up to my eyeballs with Mimi and the fucking diapers.  I told her that this is the last week of diapers; after this she is in panties only.  Of course, they require her to be 3 weeks in underwear at home before letting her go to school that way, but we take off the diaper as soon as we get home anyway.   Mimi responded by pissing all over everything.

I am so mad at her.  She has only had a pee accident here or there in the last year while diaper-free.  Since I told her she is too big for diapers, she has stopped using the potty and has instead pissed all over the carpet which is SO GROSS.  Cory just called to say she used the bathroom at Whole Foods on her own election.  I don't get it, though.  Is she rebelling?

She can be so sweet.  I spy on them from time to time and have recently seen her responding to Frank's fussing (for me because I am out of sight) by giving him a book, or singing to him, or telling him, "Mommies always come back".  But I have also seen her climb on him and kick him, etc.  I sat down next to her, and she didn't like it.  She asked me to move, and I told her I was too tired.  She gently took my hand and led me to the other side of the room and said, "Here Mommy, you can have this space.  Here is a space for you.  Sounds like a good plan?"

Frank is really starting to dig finger foods, especially chicken.  He is such an easygoing kid that it is absolutely excruciating when he is sick and fussy and just wants to be held all the time.  He loves wearing the chef's hat at school and I just want to gobble him up all the time.

I made it to the Y on Wednesday and Friday, and I went to yoga yesterday, which was awesome.  I am trying to set up some personal training, but the chick in charge never calls back.  So frustrating.

Oh well, Mimi and Frankie have dr. appts tomorrow morning, I have an ENT appointment on Tuesday, there's no school Thursday, the Y is closed Friday, and then next week is Mimi's tubes (and hopefully Frank's). 

I am trying.  I am trying to give myself the time to work out and recharge, trying to keep a cleaner house, trying to be more patient, and trying to make sure the time I spend with Mimi and Frankie is good, meaningful time.  This is about the time we all get sick and everything goes to hell for a month.  But hey, it's something.

11:36 pm: I never do these, but I've always wanted to do this one.
In 2003, The Big Read (a BBC program) compiled a list of Britain’s 100 favorite books. The program reckoned that the average adult has read only 6 of the books on this list.

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling (one, I think)
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible (and by the Bible I mean the Hebrew Bible)
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty-Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel García Marquèz
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel García Marquèz
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On the Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From a Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

11:37 am: Totally Tubular
Today has not started off well - I am already 40 minutes late for work and haven't even pumped yet.

I could tell from Frankie's screaming and bright red ear last night that the Suprax wasn't working. When he has an ear infection, he won't lay down. Not even if you give him a favorite toy. After some Motrin and a Feverall, he had calmed down a bit, but still was not himself.

When he slept well and woke up cheerful this morning, I was conflicted re wasting another morning of my life at the pediatrician's office, but I thought he was so fussy last night that he was really uncomfortable and I don't want him (or the rest of us) to have to deal with another night like that.

The morning was molasses again - Mimi sleeping late and resisting clothes, toothbrush, washcloth, etc. Frankie tried to pull himself up on the Leapfrog Learn Around Playground (can I just say again that this toy has been a favorite now for more than two years? Love it.) and tipped it over onto himself, causing lots of angst; his and mine.

After a 45 minute wait at the pediatrician's we got a waiting room. The doctor was in 15 minutes later, and, sure enough, Frankie's ear infection was worse. She said she would email the ENT to see if we could bypass the consultation and just authorize the tubes, and possibly for the same day as Mimi's. Then we waited half an hour for the shot of Rocephrin. The air conditioning was off and I was covered in sweat. By then Frankie was so fucking bored that he wouldn't sit still or play with me. I am very anti touching things at the doctor's office , too, so he doesn't get to play with the mucous and feces covered toys in the waiting room.

He konked out in the car and I ran him back into daycare, dodging Mimi who was playing outside because I just don't have the energy to explain to her that I am leaving again. While I was dropping him off, I heard one of the teachers yell in a tone of voice I've never heard before at daycare, "KAI!!! STOP!!!" And my favorite little 15-month-old, Kai, had bitten the face of another 15-month-old, Vivian, and drawn blood. Drew blood! She was trying to get into the padded cube with windows, and he was already in there.

I didn't stay around to see what they did. I saw them doctoring up Vivian's face and I saw the head teacher sit down with Kai and point to Vivian, who was still screaming.

This is just a circus, you know? And I have to go pump.

I can't wait to hear if we can get Frankie tubes. My dad, with whom we Skype once or twice a week, is absolutely beside himself with the idea we are getting Mimi tubes. He keeps telling me to wait it out and deal with it, etc. My brother had chronic ear infections, too, and he's allergic to penicillin (he's like 21 now). But chronic for him was 3-4 times a year. Frankie's already had at least 5 or 6 ear ifections and he's only 8 months old. (My dad doesn't know that Frankie's getting tubes too). Mimi has had at least 7 ear infec tions since December. Maybe 8, I'm not sure. Wow, and that's like 7 months. Poor kid.

I think my dad is concerned about the swimming thing - we're planning on maybe spending next summer with him, and he loves taking kids in the water. He's so excited. And he's stressed because of being careful of them in the water with the tubes.

I've heard conflicting things about how careful you have to be with the tubes in the water, but I think it's different than when I was a kid and my neighbor had tubes and couldn't take a shower.

I know though that there will be a time when I remember that my biggest problem used to be ear infections, which are totally treatable, and I will long for that time, as there is no medication for generally being a teenager.