Now and Later: A Polarization of Mothers
In response to my angst post, Cat suggested I read "The Feminine Mistake". I may, but I don't even have to google it to know what the "mistake" is.

Every single case that I worked on that was bitter and angry was a divorce where the wife either gave up her career to raise the kids/further the husband's career, or where the couple made a plan that husband would go to school first while wife supported him, and then wife would go to school. But then wife got pregnant. And everything ends with someone fucking someone that they're not married to, but that is neither here nor there.

There was one case that really resonated with me. Our client had two kids with exactly the same age spread as my kids. Her youngest was 2 months old when her husband moved to another state to be with his internet mistress. The wife had given up her lucrative career first to move here for husband's career, and secondly when she had the first baby and that child had some problems. It was the kind of career that taking 5 years out of is basically a guarantee that she would never get back into it.

She is in an impossible position. I would never want to be her.

The truth is, no one really expects having the rug pulled out from under her life. Some people do actually get married with an instinct that it is the wrong thing to do, but people make Plans. And many people with Plans get divorced and have a really hard time getting back on their feet, and feel like life's not Fair.

I am a firm believer that women should be self-sufficient. And it conflicts with my strong desire to nurture my children all day, every day. Maybe if I were more financially stable, I would indulge myself in a little more nurturing. But in our case, we need the money. I need the money. My kids need the money. I have to work. I was laughing with a friend this morning who is in shoes remarkably similar to mine, and we were joking that our kids will, in 12-16 years, be telling us, "It's really nice that you breastfed me and made me organic home-mashed sweet potatoes when I was a baby, but I would rather have a computer/car/iPhone/trust fund/college tuition." I have no delusions that my getting us on our feet financially will benefit these kids much more than bonding with me 7 days a week.

My mom was gone 12 hours a day when you figure in her commute. My mom was a single mom, and I was lucky because my grandparents were in a position to care for me in her absence, and they loved me and raised me. But I definitely remember my mom missing things - school plays, dance recitals, etc. - because she had to work. I remember begging my mom to come to things when I was younger. I remember asking her to come with our class on field trips. She never could.

Am I worse off for it? Probably not. Did it sting at the time? Yes. I know she did the very best she could, and I was so lucky to have the best surrogate parents. That is probably a HUGE part of why I hate leaving my kids in someone else's care.

So, really, my dilemma is different than work or stay home. My answer is work, hands down, for people like me who are not financially stable. I understand the pull, though, of stay home. No one ever left me with strangers, and it kills me to leave my children all day with people who do not love them. Kills me. But I know Mimi is in the right place and loves her school, and I know Frankie will be happy and safe there, too.

But work where? In my position - moving away in 18 months, kids who are perpetually sick, and not yet experienced enough to truly be my own boss (and not really being interested in doing it, anyway) - I do not have alot of choices. I was really disappointed that the court didn't have anything for me because it would have been perfect. A flexible, temporary job. Between Frankie and Mimi, I will have to take a week off for Hand Foot and Mouth disease, and that is only if I don't get sick, too. I am not a reliable employee. And litigation demands reliability. Deadlines and statutes of limitations, court hearings, trial preparation - they do not wait for sick kids. Litigation waits for no man. It is not really the best career fit for me, but boy do I enjoy it.

I am not really as angst-y as I could be about this. I feel like I have no choices. I have to take care of my kids. Once Frankie starts daycare, I will have to find a job. If I can't find a job, then I'll have to keep contracting.

Breastfeeding is just another casualty of this stupid situation. It is not easy to pump, breastfeed, and cram billable hours into my day. I have not been working for anyone long enough to feel comfortable asking for a pumping space (and I can't imagine anyone has one) so I just struggle to nurse and pump in between dropping off Mimi and Frankie's pickup/racing off to work. I then race home after work to pump before running off to pick up Mimi. Don't get me wrong. Our friend who watches Frankie is a saint for picking him up and dropping him off so that I have some time to pump. I am lucky to have these problems, I know. But if I get a new job, I probably won't go above and beyond to pump for Frankie. Or maybe I will. I don't know. That's some other angst for some other day.