sweetcoalminer

10:37 pm: Honey, I'm Home! Now Without bacon!
I need to talk to someone. You know? I need to stop having this conversation with myself over and over again.

First off, somehow we find ourselves in a good bit of debt. We were digging out of the hole when we had Mimi, and we slid in a little after I lost my job. We were digging out again when we had Frankie, and we kind of slid in during my 4-month maternity leave anticipating we would dig out again.

Not to mention law school debt. That I have sucked at paying off. I keep getting pregnant and stuff and getting my loans deferred. We are not financially very stable. We manage, but it is not smart. Our fixed costs are really high.

Cory is on the cusp of a new career. He is kind of in limbo now, poising himself to become a professor for 2009-2010. He is not a deep pocket. We are investing in his career right now. Which is fine.

So where does that leave us?

Mimi is out of school until at least Thursday due to our friend Hand Foot and Mouth Disease. Frankie does not have it yet, but I imagine it is an eventuality. So in the two weeks since I left my job, I will miss AN ENTIRE WEEK due to sick kids if Frankie does not get sick. How does it make sense for me to go back to work right now? I am essentially working half of the time, and there is no predictability as to whether I will be home with a sick kid or hurling myself into the working world on any given day. I cannot imagine a job that has the kind of flexibility I need. Well, I can, and it is called "housewife".

Did I mention that both kids are off antibiotics for one day since the last ear infection and Mimi is pulling on her ear (she has a lot of congestion right now) and Frankie has some weird rash all over his face?

When I tried to talk through all of this with my mom, she got all irritated. "They have got to do something about this. It is ridiculous how much those kids are sick. If you are not careful, they are going to get asthma." [I am going to digress from my train of thought to say, clearly one does not need a thoughtful, logical, or empathetic mother to get through life, so a big "WHO CARES" to all of my concerns re what a bad mom I am.] I explained to my mom that although, yes, I am a really crappy and lazy housekeeper, it doesn't matter. We wash our hands so much we should buy stock in soap. I scrub the doorknobs and faucets. Mimi has an immune deficiency, and she will always get sick. Just the suggestion of a sneeze leads to a virtual slip-n-slide snotslick. Mimi will always need someone to take care of her on the days she doesn't go to school.

Here is where I must disclose that I actually keep Mimi home on days when they would accept her at daycare. They let kids with colds go to school, but when she's really congested and miserable, I keep her home. I feed her comfort foods, cuddle her, and let her take a really long nap. I am sure when I retire on stems and seeds at age 89, I will regret it, but it just seems cruel to send a sick kid to school to 1) get other kids sick, and 2) be tired, and 3) eat her own snot all day. I anticipate I will do the same once Frankie starts daycare. And when I have sent her to school on days when she doesn't feel well, I obsessively call the school and worry about her.

Contract work is fine, but I need to work every day for about 5 hours to come out even with the cost of daycare. It is up right now, but it will have its downs, and I will miss a whole week because of sickness. I talked to my old boss from the court, who told me they would love to have me back. That job was pretty flexible and I really enjoyed the work, so I thought SCORE! Problem solved!

Today was my first opportunity to take the inch-thick job application down to the courthouse to apply for my old job. I dragged sick Mimi down there with promises of tall buildings. She wore a little dress and carried a little pink purse and told everyone she was "going to work". Due to some legal mumbo/union contract, they cannot hire me back. This legal mumbo was just discovered like 2 weeks ago. So if I had applied sooner, I would have been in.

I truly don't know what else I can do and still meet what I perceive to be my family's needs and make enough money to break even.

The answer seems clear to me. We need to stop paying this exorbitant amount of money for daycare and get a nanny for the hours we need one. I think Mimi's daycare is a great deal for the people who leave their kids there 10 hours a day. I absolutely draw the line at 8 hours a day, and I try to keep Mimi's day to about 6.5-7 hours. We would save a significant amount of money by paying someone $15/hour for the hours we actually need someone. We need a nanny, but I wouldn't know where to start.

I hate thinking about this. Mimi loves her school, and it will be her preschool starting in September. She is not on the list anywhere else. But she would be less sick if she weren't in daycare.

I don't really like the thought of leaving Frankie anywhere. Even though the ratio in Frankie's group at daycare is 1 provider to 2 babies, they tend to leave the non-mobile babies lying around while they tend to the mobile ones, and it bothers me. Frankie is so sweet and easygoing that he is easy to put down. But he still needs to be cuddled and talked to and roughhoused.

My kids are just the brightest lights in our lives. I need a plan to make sure they taken care of now, and also will be taken care of in the future by having some financial stability.

Mimi was being a big pill in the afternoon. I was feeding her bland foods on the sofa as she watched beloved Dora. I asked her, "Did you have fun with me today?", and she rewarded me with a spontaneous hug and kiss, and told me in my ear, "Thank you Mommy. You are my friend. I love you."

You think when you have kids that you are ready for the challenge, but the reality of taking care of those kids is such a profound and laborious job. And it is the most important job. But the pay, it sucks donkey balls.